Julia Sneden writes: "Did Not" "Did So!" Children, Children

"Did Not" "Did So!" Children, Children

The year 2000 began with a marvelous, good-humored bash, all around the world. What a pity that it also happens to be an election year in this country, a coincidence bound to spoil the fun. Gone is all that 'auld acquaintance' stuff. Gone is the splash of playful celebration that had puppets weaving through Times Square, and, in Paris, the Eiffel Tower all lit up like a rocket. Gone from this country is good will and brotherhood, at least for the duration of this election year
      What’s left is plenty of fireworks. This time they’re of the verbal variety, which means they’re nowhere near as much fun as those sparkles over Sydney harbor.
      The primaries have given us just the first taste of the miserable noise that will take over our lives for the next few months. Egged on by the media, the candidates will indulge in name-calling, hair-splitting, scape-goating, and repeated verbal assaults that are the stuff of soap opera. It reminds me of nothing so much as the kindergarten classes I taught for twenty-five years.
      I came late to the business of teaching little children. For the first few years after college, I had another career, as a very junior member of the editorial departments of a magazine and a couple of motion picture studios. I backed into the kindergarten classroom following the 12-year hiatus given to rearing my children. I needed a job to pay the boys’ tuition at a wonderful school, and teaching fit in with their schedule. I never expected to fall in love with the job, but I did.
      Having reared three boys, I was up to speed on child development theories. Teaching the pre-reading curriculum was a snap, and the teachers’ manual for the math program was specific and reassuring: nothing there I couldn’t handle. What I lacked was what educators refer to as “classroom management skills,” i.e. how to handle those dreadful moments when children act like…well, like children. Were it not for the wise guidance of my peers, I would have dropped out in a month. There are some very good ways to cope with undesirable behavior in kindergartners, and over the period of 25 years, I became remarkably adept at identifying problems and dealing with them. What continues to amaze me is that the problems of five-year-olds show up so readily later on in life. Some of the solutions continue to work, too.
Several years ago, Robert Fulghum wrote his book “All That I Needed To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten.” I think that in this election year I, too, could write a book. I’d call it: “People Are People, in Kindergarten or Primaries.”

KINDERGARTEN
Name Calling: “Big Fat Stinky!” “Dookie Ball”
CAMPAIGN
“Liar” “Liberal” “Reactionary” “the heir apparent” “he's a Bill Clinton”

KINDERGARTEN
Shifting the blame:
“He made me do it!”
CAMPAIGN
“I am only responding to my opponent’s negative advertising.”

KINDERGARTEN
Scape-goating: “It’s his fault!”
CAMPAIGN
“I had no idea that one of my supporters said that.”

KINDERGARTEN
Bargaining: “I’ll stop if he will”
CAMPAIGN
“I’ll stop if he will.”

KINDERGARTEN
Denial: “Not me!”
CAMPAIGN
“I absolutely never said (did) (thought) that!”

KINDERGARTEN
Dirty tricks: Hiding the teacher’s glasses
CAMPAIGN
Tampering with the opponent’s amplifier

KINDERGARTEN
Threats: “I’ll tell my mother on you!”
CAMPAIGN
“I think the IRS would be interested in that.”

KINDERGARTEN
Temper tantrum: “This’ll show ‘em!”
CAMPAIGN
“This’ll show ‘em!”

KINDERGARTEN
Hypocrisy: “I didn’t do that, but if someone does, he should be sent to the principal!”
CAMPAIGN
“Yes, we need controls on campaign fund-raising.”

KINDERGARTEN
Impulsiveness: “Oops! I didn’t mean that!”
CAMPAIGN
“Oops! What I really meant was…”

KINDERGARTEN
Taking the high moral ground:
“It’s not right to be rude.”
CAMPAIGN
“My opponents need to be held accountable for their actions.”

KINDERGARTEN
Bragging: “My Dad’s bigger than your dad.”
CAMPAIGN
“My accomplishments are well known…”

KINDERGARTEN
Skewing results: Getting all the little girls to block-vote against the little boys
CAMPAIGN
Allowing Democrats to vote in a Republican primary

KINDERGARTEN
Interrupting: “I know I’m supposed to raise my hand, but…”
CAMPAIGN
See debate footage.

KINDERGARTEN
Gloating: “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo”
CAMPAIGN
“I don’t want to rub it in, but…”

KINDERGARTEN
Tattling: “Teeeeacher!”
CAMPAIGN
“America, I want you to know that this man is leading you straight to…”

KINDERGARTEN
Threats: I’m gonna tell on you!”
CAMPAIGN
“I’m going to tell the whole world…”

KINDERGARTEN
Impugning another’s record: “In nursery class, he always told lies…”
CAMPAIGN
“…and his senate voting record denies his current stance…”

KINDERGARTEN
Promises: “Tomorrow I’m gonna build the world’s biggest block tower! It’ll be humongous!”
CAMPAIGN
“And if I am elected…”

Face it. It’s as the French say: “Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.” (“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”) What we really need is a master teacher who can handle these kids. In a classroom, there are certain tactics that have proven effective in dealing with obstreperous children. Some of them might even work on politicians.

1. Simplifying rules. After a long discussion of what one should and should not do to get along in a kindergarten, my classes and I usually came up with one simple, blanket rule: No Hurting. That meant no hurting people’s feelings as well as their bodies, and no hurting the physical surroundings or equipment. No hurting another person’s right to her own space, or her right to be heard. Often when one child would interrupt another, the others would cry in unison: “Blanket Rule!” Can you picture our presidential candidates quietly defusing tense situations by murmuring “Blanket Rule”? O well.

2. A teacher’s intervention. Many a squabble has been settled when a teacher steps in and simply says: “I don’t care who started it. I’m interested in who is going to stop it.” Too bad there aren’t any teachers in the political arena. Maybe the moderators of debates could fulfill the function.

3. Ignoring. This isn’t always easy when a child is throwing a tantrum, but it always works. I suppose the only way to translate the tactic into a political campaign would be to persuade the media to ignore (and I mean completely) all candidates who are behaviorally about two years old.

4. Time Out. Wouldn’t it be great if we could have the equivalent of a time out chair for unruly politicians?

5. Peer Review. This is not my favorite tactic. It can be cruel. One simply says to the class: “What do you think Johnny’s problem is? What would you suggest to help him solve it?” Politicians don’t need a teacher to ask those questions. They are already accomplished at reviewing each other. It’s what campaigning is all about. And it takes from now until November 7th.

6. Distraction. This involves swift interjection of a mind-engaging question, like: “Shut your eyes. Quick! No peeking! How many windows are in this room?” or “If two cows have four horns, how many horns do four cows have?” Actually, this sounds like what the moderators of the debates do already.

7. Busy Work. Let the troublemakers do Venetian blind duty, or wipe the board, or feed the fish. This could translate to giving the candidates more babies to kiss, ships to christen, baseballs to throw, ground breakings to attend, etc. ad nauseam.

And, when all else fails?

8. A Trip To The Principal’s Office. Some things just can’t be handled in the classroom. For political candidates, I’m not sure there is an equivalent to being sent to the principal. After all, you can’t impeach ‘em until after you elect ‘em. Don’t get me wrong. None of the above will keep me away from the polls this year. You don’t hang around the kindergarten as long as I did unless you’re a true believer.